Love…

Love… is a word that has meaning, not a word you throw around for fun, breaking people's heart here and there with no reason but just for fun… when you love someone you feel it, you think of them all day, you don't care about their imperfections, you're not afraid to be you around them, you'd do anything for them. Love… isn't just a kiss, a hug, or a word to just say… you'll know when you don't love someone, it's easy… because you have interests in other others, you'll tell someone you love them and the next day you don't love that someone no more… that's where cheating was created. Cheating… is a hurtful disgusting thing to do, you can't cheat on someone you claim you love. You can't just do it, you wouldn't consider it, if you cheat on someone you claim you love, you're just in love with the idea of being in love. You do not love someone you cheat on or plan on doing it… keep the "I love you's" out of your mouth and keep it for someone you're gonna be real with. Loving someone is an amazing thing, and cheating is a cruel thing to do.. it's two different meanings.

My relationship

I'm 15 years old, believe me I know what you're thinking, you think that I'm only a teenager and I don't know what love is. But understand that we teenagers don't think like you do adults, we live in a generation where the world is so cruel, people starting fights, starting wars, starting riots, love doesn't matter in this world no more. The boyfriend I had was sweet, funny, and handsome at first. He'd tell me all the things that girls would want to hear, he text me everyday, call me everyday, but one thing he couldn't do was shower me with gifts but that's okay cause not every girl wants just that they'd love, their time and affection. Until then everything went wrong… with a rumor, about me cheating, he came after me after school.. pulled his rosary off and called me very mean names, as I walked away with tears in my eyes he ran after me, threatening me and it's not what I expected. But I've done some things myself, I believed a rumor.. I believed that he was gonna leave me and be with his bestfriend, so I made up things creating a fake boyfriend named Juan who was 10ft tall.. but what I didn't know was that my now ex boyfriend had a friend named Juan who was 10ft. My ex wouldn't let it go so I apologized, and admitted that I cheated when I really didn't, I did it so he can be satisfied. We got back together but he treated me differently, he'd shadow box in front of me and his punches were so close to my face, he'd sometimes choke me and when I told him to stop he acted like he didn't know what he was doing, he'd push me around, make me do things I didn't want, he'd talk to me so disrespectfully. But of course me? I seen so many red flags my friends texting me back and fourth telling me he's cheating on me with his close friend but i didn't want to believe it because I couldn't. Our final day.. Tuesday May 16, 2017, we went to my dads soccer practice, he told me 'I promise I won't let you go and I promise no one will take your place'. Next day, I get a phone call.. 'Jazalene I'm sorry… I cheated on you and I don't love you anymore… you're not the one I want.' At that moment my heart shattered because I knew I made a mistake on ignoring the red flags.. and not believing on my friends. This day August 10, 2017 I'm single and I've been single for 3 months now and I'm the happiest that can be, I'm focusing on school, I play volleyball, and I'm a new student at Bonanza Highschool.

Time

I knew she was hurt by the way she looked.. once again she's been led on by a boy who looks very innocent yet so handsome. On the daily she's hurt by boys that mistaken her as being 'easy' to get at, but she trusted one, trusted him with her life, secrets, he tells her 'I'm here and will always be' but that's when it clicked that all boys say the same, but unlike others she gets attached easily, she gives her love easily. He tells her things that girls want to hear. She gets led on by day getting weaker within the words he says.. but he's gone.. disappears without saying a word, no message or call just without a doubt. She worries night and day but like I told her 'He doesn't love you, he doesn't miss you, he's happy without you busy living his own life while you're stuck wondering where things went wrong. Stop trying to find closure with someone that obviously doesn't care to give it to you.' And without a word she shed a tear, thoughts racing through her mind that her time was once again wasted.

Cycle of a painful yet beautiful life.

She's tired of being mentally sick. So she got those suicidal thoughts & eventually one thing led to another & next thing she notices is all of the pills she took and the next thing shes scared so she goes to her sister for help.. she then realized she's on the ground her sister walks up to her yelling at her "get up" but she can't hear a thing but echoing, someone comes up to help, But her legs were as weak as spaghetti she fell down. She collapsed. She doesn't have the strength to be stable or the strength to walk. Her body feels heavy. Her eye sight is blurry & she's throwing up some yellow liquid. When she opened her eyes she felt dizzy & her head starts to hurt. Then her body eventually gives up & it starts to hurt too. Soon enough her whole body is shaking. Her mouth is dry. She can't can't even talk. She couldn't move anything..her sister seemed embarrassed of her, so did her stepmom. Doctors said she's fine.. she goes back to school next thing you know They sent her to a mental hospital. They said it was attempted suicide with an overdose. So shes in there with teenagers her age with many similar stories all coming from different hospitals. & she's in there for a week. They strip search her so she won't sneak in anything. They Make her squat & cough. She can't wear shoes. No jewelry. No piercings. No space. The staff checks up on her every 15 minutes & writes down everything she does. Wether it's reading a book, playing basketball, sleeping, watching tv, eating a snack, coloring, talking to other kids in there, or even just sitting down they make a note of it. & she had to go to sleep at 9:30 pm. every night on some brick bed without a pillow in that cold cold room with the door open & the staff shinning a bright white light on her face every 15 minutes. & the staff making obnoxious noises when talking to each other. Then all she had was a little thin blanket & she couldn't sleep. By the time she counted sheep & went to sleep it was like 11 pm. They wake her up at 6:35 am to check her vitals. & and she had to be out in the day room with all the other kids at 6:15 so she can go eat breakfast. & the food was disgusting. Soggy eggs. Burnt sausage. Dry pancakes. Plain waffles. So she decided to eat cereal instead. Every morning she ate Frosted Flakes. So at 7:30 am, they let her go out into the gym. She played basketball. & at 8:15 am she's back in the day room. It's 12:00 pm. now & they take her to eat lunch. It's some cruel food so she ate salad every day for lunch. It's 12:30 pm. back into the day room & then it's 4. Time for dinner. Dinner was the time she got to have visitations. Her family visits her & it only lasts an hour. She got to eat after visitation with her family & she felt happy because she finally talked to someone & she's not so bored. Then it's 5 & you're back into the day room. She decides to sleep because she doesn't care what they think anymore. & then it's 9 & she can't sleep anymore. It's the same old routine for 7 days. & when that week was over it felt like 7 months. She's happy to be home. She got assigned to antidepressants and a therapist. But the problem with antidepressants is that the first night she took them she knocked out quick. & she woke up in the middle of the night for a few seconds & she felt her head spinning. She felt like her body was so heavy that she couldn't even move. She lift up her head slightly & got dizzy. Not only is her head spinning but her whole room is spinning too. & she feels trapped inside her body. Her head gets so heavy she put it down & shes right back to sleep again. & by the morning she's fine. But she can't wait for it to be night again so she can drink those antidepressants again & feel the same way again. Because she loved the feeling. No matter how bad it felt she wanted to feel it again. So when night time comes by she drinks the same antidepressants. She goes to bed immediately. She goes to sleep because shes so tired. But when she wakes up in the middle of the night she doesn't feel anything. The walls are normal. She can move normally. Her head feels normal. & she got disappointed because she wanted that feeling again. & shes gone so far up she finishes her prescription before the month is over. So she has to wait for her next appointment with her doctor & she tells them the pills aren't working. So they up her dose even more. & soon enough her antidepressants are something she wanted to keep having. & sooner or later they start blocking her feelings till she can't feel anything. They say it helps with depression but it never said it cures depression & she thought they did. She has a lot more patience now. Shes not as mad as she always used to be. She doesn't cry every night like she used to do. She's not as sad as how she used to feel. She thinks it's a good thing. Until months pass by & she's out with her friends & what she used to think was fun she no longer had any feelings towards it. She used to love going out & going on random car trips to random places. But she no longer enjoys that. She's not happy she's there. She's not sad she's there. & when her mum yells at her usually her first reaction would be to yell back but she's so laid back she doesn't do anything. & everyone notices it. & they all think it was a good idea for her to take antidepressants because they don't have to deal with her mood swings. They don't have to deal with her being happy one minute & frustrated the next. They don't have to worry. But she doesn't like it. She doesn't like feeling that way anymore. She wants to feel something again. No matter what it is. She wants emotions. Even if she's depressed. She wants to feel something. So she stops taking them & she doesn't tell anyone. Soon enough she's back to the old her. She feels a bit better. But her doctor is still prescribing those pills to you. So every month her doctor prescribes them to her, she acts like they're doing her good. & she acts like she's doing better just so she can continue getting them. & has no idea why shes doing that. & shes still the same old person as before. Only this time she gets frustrated more. & she gets mad quicker. So every little thing bothers her. But she tries to keep it cool. She maintains for a bit. So she keeps every emotion bottled in herself. Till that one person pulls her last straw & snaps. But she's not mad at them. She's mad at herself & she's tired of her life. Shes tired of living. She's tired of being alone. Shes tired of being mentally sick. So she got those suicidal thoughts & eventually one thing leads to another & the next morning you're laying in your bed feeling okay. She's growing a lot stronger. She learned how to walk by herself again. Even if she stumbles & falls, & then she realized god saved her life. She wanted to die but he stopped her. She can't mess with faith. That's when she realized how real god was. & she still feels like she met him because it felt so real. That's when she started to appreciate life. She felt better. She was thankful & there was nothing anyone can say to change her mindset about god. She hit rock bottom & god was there to pick her back up & guide her through that storm. I know this because that's what happened to me. I will forever be grateful that happened to me because now I don't question faith. I am a better person because of that. I thank god everyday for a second chance.
This is her now: